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What is Real?

The two week period of not knowing can be the worst... you have to as patient as can be. The not knowing can kill you. You start to imagine things. You google constantly. One little things happens to you and you start to wonder is this it??? This is my life right now. Except I am taking a hold of the stress and fear and trying to manage it the best I can. I have prayed on it. I have started a new breathing regimen for when things get overwhelming. Right now I have started to not put myself in situations where I can feel that pain.  I have decided that patience is important. I need to have patience in order to live my life. Yes I would love to just be know all and be happy. This is not how the world works. I am doing my best to get there though. I am going to the temple to feel closer to heavenly father. I am keeping my mind occupied and busy so I don't stress.  It's the little things that help me. I finished a book today. It was a great distraction. I showered my husband with ...

Hope

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It is good to have hope. It is great to have hope. But having too much hope when you don't know what's going to happen can be dangerous... right now I have too much hope... I keep hoping that I will get pregnant. Most of the time I have that voice in my head saying don't do it, it might not happen. Just relax and breath. I can rationalize things.  Right now I am not being rational... I have my hopes up high and I'm amazed to let them come down... I finally ovulated this weekend. I finally saw those two lines saying go make a baby! And now I have hopes! I have dreams that little Gus Gus is on his way to us right now.  Before I ovulated everytime I prayed I got a feeling to hold off on taking my meds. I have meds that help me ovulate, most the time they haven't worked. But this time I had the feeling to wait. So I did. I waited. I planned on starting the meds Sunday if the pregnancy test came back negative. Well Sunday morning rolls around, I take a pregna...

Distraction!

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Distractions are needed in life. Whether they are distractions from work, distractions from school, or from life. They are needed on occasion. Sometimes things are too hard to accept so we need to busy our mind with something else so we do not go crazy. Today was that for me.  My mom took me shopping. I needed a day with my mom. Sometimes you just need time to be with the one who knows you best. She has been there for me my entire life. She has loved me through thick and thin. She knows that things are hard for me right now and she showed me how much she cares. We went shopping, got lunch, talked. It was nice and easy.  Yes, we talked about the things I'm going through. She did not once talk down to me or thing I was being stupid. She listened and understood. She was there. I can never thank heavenly father enough for the wonderful mom I was blessed with. She gets me through so much. She loves me no matter my flaws. I am so grateful for her. She gave me that distra...

The Answers I Needed

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I have been having some emotional days lately. I have no reason to be so emotional, but I am all over the place. The one thing that I was looking forward to was going to the temple. I was planning on being able to feel the peace of heavenly father and know he loves me. But I got the dates wrong and was not able to enter...  Needless to say it was my tipping point. I went and sat on a bench near the temple and cried. I cried for what felt like hours... it was really only about 5 minutes. While I was crying, I prayed. I prayed that I would find peace. That things would work out for me. That I would be happy again. I got a strong feeling to call my grandma. I tried to call her and I had no answer.  I drove home feeling as though I had felt a little bit of his presence. My husband said he was going to give me all the snuggles when I got home. Which I did. He also went out and got me some ice cream... which I am not supposed to have... my husband is the best man, he che...

Why Me?

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I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to feel better there is always that feeling of hopelessness inside. I try to move on, distract myself from my feelings. Each time those feelings rise up and take over me. I don't know how to control these feelings. I don't know how to feel okay again.  Sometimes I think about going to a therapist, someone that is able to figure out what is wrong with me and help me understand why I am feeling the way I am. Sometimes I want to curl up in my bed and never leave. Other times I have no cares in the world and can accomplish anything! Each morning I have no clue what version of my self I am going to be.  What gets me through all of this is my husband, prayer, and relaxation. I need alot of this all the time. I feel guilty about how often I have to rely on these things. How often I bring this up, or how often I think about it. I get mad at myself a lot. It's been hard. I don't feel like myself anymore. I fee...

Heavenly Father Loves Me

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When people go through trials most of the time they start to have doubts. They start to doubt themselves, their choices, and in Heavenly Father. During this trial I have never once doubted that my Heavenly Father lives.  Everytime that I am feeling down, or sad he has brought me peace. He has helped me feel loved. He has shown me that I matter. I am important and meant to be on this earth. I will have a family one day. I know that all of this is true! All thanks to his love. I have faith that everything is supposed to happen the way it is meant to.  I had a realization yesterday. One of the reasons I am not pregnant yet is because Tosh wouldn't be done with school yet. He graduates in the Spring and if we had gotten pregnant earlier this year we would have had the baby during his final semester. Heavenly father knows what we can and cannot handle. I know he is watching over us and just telling us soon. Now that the temples have reopened we have been able to go back. We have fe...

The Blessings in My Life!

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I have been having some really hard days lately. Days where I just feel down and depressed. I had a really good friend tell me to write out all the blessings in my life and everything that I am grateful for! This morning has been rough, so here is my list!  Tosh my wonderful husband. Dipper the best dog in the world. My parents the people who made me into the person I am today.  My brothers my best friends for life.  My in-laws the family I never knew I needed. Jesus the man who listens when no one else will. Heavenly Father the man who loves me unconditionally and has a plan for me. My marco polo group the friends that are helping me through a hard time. Makenzie the friend that stands by me no matter what. Coworkers who help me no matter what. A house over my head. My body for working hard to repair itself. My aunts for listening to me and offering advice. Modern Medicine for having a plan for me. Prayer for being a way to communicate with my Heavenly Father...