Hope

It is good to have hope. It is great to have hope. But having too much hope when you don't know what's going to happen can be dangerous... right now I have too much hope... I keep hoping that I will get pregnant. Most of the time I have that voice in my head saying don't do it, it might not happen. Just relax and breath. I can rationalize things. 

Right now I am not being rational... I have my hopes up high and I'm amazed to let them come down... I finally ovulated this weekend. I finally saw those two lines saying go make a baby! And now I have hopes! I have dreams that little Gus Gus is on his way to us right now. 

Before I ovulated everytime I prayed I got a feeling to hold off on taking my meds. I have meds that help me ovulate, most the time they haven't worked. But this time I had the feeling to wait. So I did. I waited. I planned on starting the meds Sunday if the pregnancy test came back negative. Well Sunday morning rolls around, I take a pregnancy test and I got a strong feeling to take an ovulation test as well. So I do... well it was the highest ovulation test I have ever had... so I go wake up Tosh and we get all excited together! I take another one later, that one was even higher than the first! Now I have taken a few and each one had been high. 

I have been on cloud nine because of it. I have felt this peace, I actually allowed myself to buy two pieces of art work to put in the nursery... I just have this strong feeling of soon. I have this feeling that our little boy is on his way to me. I have talked with my grandma and she said she has felt a little boys spirt following her around lately... I need to rationalize about all of this. My hopes are high. My excitement is increasing! But my anxiety? That's through the roof! 

What if I'm not going to get pregnant this time? What if I do and I miscarry? What if I have all these hopes and they don't come true... 

Tonight I am going to the temple with Tosh. The place I feel the most peace and can be the most clear minded. I know, that is where I am supposed to be tonight. I am to feel his spirit and recieve answers. I don't expect to be told you are having a baby right now! But I am hoping to have peace with whatever happens. 

Having hope is so important, but we can not let it blind us from all the possibilities in the world. I am so excited to be a mother that I know it can cloud my judgment at times. But I know the temple will help me make the right judgments.