Why Me?

I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to feel better there is always that feeling of hopelessness inside. I try to move on, distract myself from my feelings. Each time those feelings rise up and take over me. I don't know how to control these feelings. I don't know how to feel okay again. 

Sometimes I think about going to a therapist, someone that is able to figure out what is wrong with me and help me understand why I am feeling the way I am. Sometimes I want to curl up in my bed and never leave. Other times I have no cares in the world and can accomplish anything! Each morning I have no clue what version of my self I am going to be. 

What gets me through all of this is my husband, prayer, and relaxation. I need alot of this all the time. I feel guilty about how often I have to rely on these things. How often I bring this up, or how often I think about it. I get mad at myself a lot. It's been hard. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I am just someone who goes through the motions and does her best, which is never good enough. I know I am depressed. I know that it's not good being in the thoughts that I am. But I have this blog. This is my outlet, my escape. It's where I can poor my soul and not worry about a single thing! 

Idk if anybody has read these or ever will. But these are my feelings... these are my heart aches and questions I feel constantly...

Will I ever be a mom?

Will my body decide to work one day?

Am I good enough?

Is this because of something I did in my past?

Am I being punished?

Will I ever be happy again?

Am I doing something wrong?

Can I ever make things right?

Can I ever go to a store and not feel depressed walking by certain aisles? 

Can I see women with babies or a belly and not become immediately sad? 

Why me...?